Never give up on someone and Let go when it’s time

There is a difference between giving up on someone and letting them go.

Have you ever had someone decide it was time for you to move on or move forward without them?  You sense them letting go as they detach themselves from expectations they once had of  you – leaving you to make your own choices, gather your own results?  This is different than being given up on.  Amongst all the change, you can rest in the knowledge that they are there to offer a hand to lift you back up on your feet when you fall.

As a parent, I am having to do this more and more as my children grow up.  It’s the part of  parenting that allows a child to “come into his own”.  In the process of encouraging my children to move forward a few steps, putting some space between mine and their own decisions, I am faced with a temporary emptiness.  I wrestle with the possibility that they might fail.  And worse yet, if I haven’t surrendered my pride, I wrestle with the possibility that I might look like a failure for not having thoroughly prepared them for every circumstance.

I recognize where each child can improve and I remind myself that it’s a long term project.  Remembering that each child has their own destiny to embrace, I sometimes have to reform my own expectations rather than attempt to “improve” my child.  When I let go some and give them more freedom, I get to see how they’ve processed our values and made them fit their lives.  And sometimes I myself am challenged with a new perspective.  I realize how much I can learn from them and about them as they work through their own failures.

As leaders and mentors we are responsible for laying a foundation of roots and giving our people wings when it’s time to set them free.  We should never demean or make anyone feel smaller in our presence (Even when they attempt to fly too early).

This requires an intense effort to get to know our people and stay connected.  What makes them laugh, what makes them hurt, how does each one respond to our particular style of motivation?   It requires us to retain a soft heart, a forgiving heart because people that walk arm in arm sometimes get their toes stepped on.  A small price to pay though for this tight bond.

So maybe when you find yourself wrestling with a team member or child, it might be time to re-evaluate the season.  Maybe it’s time to give them wings and even though we know the potential for failure and success, we trust.  We trust because we did the best we could in the natural and now it’s time to let God put the Super in our natural.

And before you know it, God will put you in a place where you’ll find yourself staring into a pair of fresh eyes wanting to be just like you when they grow up.

Irrational Christmas Wishes

This is the time of year where most of us get bombarded with cards of love, thankfulness and good wishes.  I always love going to my mailbox and finding the card of the day.  My heart does a dance as I open it.  I love to hear about how the year went for those I don’t get to spend much time with and I enjoy being reminded of how much I’m loved from those I see week to week.  Love is something we never get tired of.

Unless it’s the type of love that demands rather than extends.  Along with all those Christmas cards, I know I’ll find the one from a person that feels the need to remind me of their dissatisfaction towards me.  This year I got two and they saved themselves a stamp and sent it to my email.  Not to mention they were both within 20 minutes of each other.

Normally I try to respond to these hate mails with an apology for not being the best person in their world.  I know I’m different and that little voice that used to take up residence in my head, tells me I should apologize for going down a different path in life.   A path that has lead me to great successes and great joy.  I love God, I have a large family that laughs together, I am married to my best friend and we still hold hands, like each other as well as love and adore each other.  Yet with all that, I’ve allowed myself to feel as if I was the failure they’ve described.  I’ve spent so much energy jumping through hoops, trying to be the ideal person – no, the perfect person.  Ideal would never be good enough.  I’ve endured vicious phone calls, long lectures in emails that wreak of disappointment of who I turned out to be and yet I would find myself pouring my energy into trying to be more and more and more teachable, honorable, smart, patient…etc.  Hoping to do enough – to prove myself.  All the while discounting the fact that I already am all those very things.  And now that I can recognize that, I no longer have to compete for sweet labels or pats on the head – because I am good enough and always have been.

I am sharing this because I know I’m not alone in these experiences.  I want to be sure that whoever you are that has to endure this foolishness can see that you have choices.  God did not make a mistake when He created you and EVERYTHING you need is already inside you.  It might have just gotten misplaced amongst the heap of garbage they’ve dumped on you.

Have you heard these lines:

“We understand you have your own set of priorities that you choose to unyieldingly follow and spending time with us is more an inconvenience for you than a showing of love and respect…Together, we are asking you not to come to dinner at all.  This year we choose to spend our Christmas surrounded with love.”

or something like this:

“I have to say that you need some professional help…You really need to get over yourself…spend the time with your “church” and enjoy the cultish life… I will enjoy every moment I possibly can with those that are willing to show true unconditional love”.

It’s called emotional blackmail.  There’s a really good book by that title that has given me the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.  Within these hateful emails that I get, they usually include lots of scripture and they accuse me of the very things they are currently not extending.  You know that double standard thing?  To an emotional blackmailer there is no standard other than theirs and it changes constantly.  They live in the moment and if you are not in the moment with them doing what they want and when, then you are the enemy, the failure – essentially you don’t exist.

I have chosen to live my life that builds others.  Until this year, I didn’t really understand that I didn’t have to tear mine apart though to accomplish this.  I don’t have to defend myself or justify my reasons for wanting to be at a Christmas Eve Service that honors my God before I attend a dinner.  I don’t have to be mad or feel hurt because I am surrounded with people that love to love me.  I choose not to harden my heart because of a few people that can’t see past their own insecurity and inferiority.  I choose to stay soft so that I can fully love those around me.

I made a vow that this abuse stops with me.  My children will never have to carry that curse.  And I promise you – it’s hard work.  I’ve made myself accountable for years to my husbands parents who are qualified counselors and ministers of inner-healing.  If you are drowning in the hurt from this irrational foolishness please know that you are loved – maybe not by the ones you’ve tried so hard to get to love you but if you step back and look – you are surrounded with opportunities to be loved.  Find someone, a counselor, who can help you see the forest through the trees.  And commit to read books about people pleasers, narcissistic tendencies, emotional blackmail and boundaries.

And lastly, don’t try to rationalize it.  Their Happy Holidays, as the email subject title reads, will never be as great as yours will be.

aphorisms

An axiom or aphorism is a universally accepted principle or rule according to dictionary.com.  I heard one in a movie the other day that said “sarcasm is the refuge of scoundrels”.  OUCH – those are tough words for someone who loves to compete in sarcastic warfare!

All kidding aside though, it is possible to take our aphorisms too far.  There is a danger in holding too tight onto sayings that fit in a particular season of life or another persons lifestyle altogether.  In a closed minded state, they can cause great harm, even if unintended.  Mark Twain said, “The surest sign of intelligence is an open mind”.  In order to be a “thinking person”, we must be open minded.

Stephen Carter wrote in the book “Integrity” : Thinking matters through before we act is always difficult and consumes a lot of our time.  But it is simply not possible to be a person of integrity without doing it.

When we take the time to not make up our minds so fast, to remain open minded, we allow so many more opportunities to come our way…  First impressions don’t have to be last impressions.  Second, third and fourth chances are available as we give people the strength to find the path of success without the unnecessary scars…  And we invite change,  not because we’re bored or scared others will surpass us, but because it makes sense and brings a greater reward for everyone involved.

Why bother?  Because as the aphorism says…

We’re all in this together

Make a Difference – Give

Have you ever given a gift that you’ve never been given?  Reached beyond the barriers of your heart – stopped using the excuse that says “well that’s the way I’m wired” and done something truly different – truly outside of your comfort zone of experience?

I’m reading a book titled “Showing Up for Life” by Bill Gates Sr.  I was so moved when I read this part:

We’ve all known people a few steps ahead of us – whether it’s a difficult older sibling or a controlling boss – who seem determined that no one else will ever make it to their station in life without undergoing the same pain and hardship they suffered.
By contrast, Merridy, who had never even been allowed to get a driver’s license at my age, reached beyond the limits of her history, her restricted resources, and any inclination toward envy, to give me a gift she herself had never been given.

The gift you give in this manner ends up not only making a difference in that someone else’s life…

It makes The Difference in Yours.

love, forgiveness and chocolate

We all want the same things – love, forgiveness and chocolate.

Like chocolate – love and forgiveness come in a variety of flavors.  One of our priorities we have as leaders is to be able to communicate in a variety of flavors.  This task requires a constant amount of time and energy.  If we’re not careful, we will find ourselves spread so thin that we have very little time and energy too communicate appropriately, touching the hearts of people.

As a leader, I am blessed with a chemical make up to be a driver.  I’m constantly on the go at speeds that almost break the sound barrier.  I get a lot of flak for it, especially from other drivers who see their endeavors more important.  However, competition is  part of the deal when leaders interact.  When we gather together it usually involves entering a game of power plays.  As we challenge one another it’s easy to forget about all the types of chocolate in the room.

Some chocolate requires small bites allowing us to savor the dreamy filling, while other pieces have to be eaten whole so the filling doesn’t spill everywhere.  Other chocolate requires a lot of chewing as we enjoy the taste of caramel coming through.  Life is definitely like a box of chocolates!

Mastering the ability to communicate in a variety of flavors amongst leaders is most important if iron is to sharpen iron.  All too often though, we take each other for granted as we fly through our days, checking off tasks, accomplishing the mountain of goals we’ve set for ourselves.  The very things that measure our success are often the very things that are the least in the Kingdom of God.

I was reading in Ecclesiastes this morning and John Maxwell wrote in the chapter summary:  “A materialistic mission of building buildings, making money, controlling workers, and pursuing pleasure must only serve as a means to an eternal end, not an end in themselves.”

When we allow ourselves to pursue an abundance of goals in too short of time we risk ending up in a mental and emotional fog.  We may find ourselves frustrated,  facing failures or, worse yet, breakdowns in our relationships.  While I’ve felt so very sad at losing a team member to a variety of reasons, losing the  fellowship of another leader is heart wrenching.

Not just one person is ever to fully blame though.  During the holidays we usually take the time to step back and look at the forest through the trees.  Hopefully we include ourselves on this list.  Where do we need to shore up, how are we treating the very ones we profess to love and is it in a manner that they understand?  John Maxwell lists off some questions that pierced my heart this morning.  He states: “Leaders should wrestle with how they might change eternity through their leadership.  “Who am I?  Why am I attempting to lead others?  Where am I trying to go?  What values guide my life?”"

I love the way I’m wired and I love being stretched to learn to communicate more effectively.  It can be frustrating, draining, or even look like I’m pouring into a black hole.  Then God reminds me as He and John Maxwell did this morning in His Word, “leaders must invest themselves generously, knowing the payoff comes later.”

I’m putting chocolate on my grocery list this week.  How about you?

 

 

Thanksgiving is no lame affair.

We started a tradition about 5 years ago to get together with friends who didn’t have family in town.  It was a simple act of an outstretched hand that touched all of our hearts.  We became more than just friends – we became family.  I found myself surrounded by brothers and sisters that I had longed for all my life.

We weren’t able to get together last year because of lame excuses on my part. As we sat down to eat, my kids couldn’t get past this gaping emptiness.  No Nerf gun wars, no Wii competitions, no spying on adults… It was almost unbearable.

I learned that some friends are supposed to be family. And if we don’t stop to prioritize them accordingly then time will slip by, stealing opportunities to make more of those precious memories we hold so dear, leaving us wide open for regrets.

I’m smiling as I prepare enough food to feed 20 people lunch and dinner.  Dishes that I know each person adores and of course since I’m Jen Chappell, I’ve stepped them up a notch.  Mushroom soup with a creamy foam resting on top, sweet potato pie with a raspberry glaze, mashed potatoes with garlic butter…

It’s my gift to the very dear people in my life.  People that have had a spare arm to throw around my shoulders when life tried to come crashing down earlier this year.  People that spared the time to add strength to my weakness, lifting me up to see above the fog that clouded my days for a short season.  People that entered in to my world,  embraced my laughter, my cheesiness and added value – their laughter, their love, their energy.

These people are diamonds in my life and will never be taken lightly – no lame excuses ever again.

 

 

living in color

Tonight, Pastor Micah spoke about how to life life in color.   We must know what God thinks about us, stop worrying, take time to notice life’s sprinkles and stay offensive.  I’ve borrowed some of his material in this post because it was so moving.

As a child, two of my favorite things (and still are to this day) are a fresh box of Crayola Crayons and sprinkles.  There is nothing like the smell of the shiny rainbow in the yellow box or a sugar cookie decked out in sprinkles.

Life is definitely so much better in color.  I’ve lived in seasons where it’s simply just gray.  During my childhood I allowed others to steal bits and pieces from me as I tried so desperately to be the right person.  I wasn’t skinny enough (or too skinny), not pretty enough, not smart enough (or dumb enough), not friendly or brave enough.

Later, as I grew older, I was too independent, not pliable enough, and often defensive.  I remember just feeling washed up,  so very tired as I learned to wear this emotional straight jacket.  Then, God showed up and presented me His colors.  And being an artist by nature, I was easily drawn in to this new perspective – a new reality.  So, I took a risk and turned against the emotional warfare that clouded my life.

I still have to choose my confession every morning – I am more than a conqueror, I am beautiful, I am successful and strong and smart.  If I don’t take the time to remind myself what God says about me I end up like the caged impala Pastor Micah talked about.

Impalas have incredible speed and are able to leap great distances, jumping over anything in its path by soaring about 10 feet through the air.  But with this ability, it’s quite simple to keep this animal from jumping.  All you have to do is prevent it from seeing where it will land.  A simple 5 foot fence of shrubbery, strategically placed, can trap this majestic animal -  it will never attempt to jump free.

II Timothy 2:9 says:  God’s Word is not subject to our circumstances.  No matter what we believe about ourselves, what people have spoken over us or have done to us, we must push ourselves to dig down deep, taking hold of what God says about us… That He has given us a HOPE and a FUTURE.  That everything we put our hand to PROSPERS.  That we are more than a CONQUEROR.  That we are VICTORIOUS in EVERY situation!

God’s promises are for a purpose and we are to be a people of force taking hold of those promises.

When we allow ourselves to become distracted from what God’s Word says about us, life turns gray and our faith becomes paralyzed.  We end up unable to see beyond the fences like the impala described above.  Fear of failure keeps us from seeing our dreams become reality.  All because we settled for less than what God has already spoken over us, and started compromising on our integrity – our wholeness.

The devil is after our wholeness.  He challenges our integrity everyday.  We must stay on the offensive, discerning the priorities of our lives in order to keep the colors bright.  Sometimes we will be required to make some hard changes in the patterns of our lives or simply acknowledging and correcting behaviors that cause us pain.  Never lose heart though, God promises that what the devil means for harm, He’s gonna use for good.

The battle has already been won – use the faith God has given you and jump that fence.

Live life in color.

Thanks Pastor Micah, we love you so very much!

 

 

 

Consider Compassion

A couple months ago I finished reading “Primal Leadership” by Daniel Goleman.  It was the best read I’ve had this year on leadership.  Emotions are a good thing – and I’ve got plenty of them.   Understanding how to use them effectively is imperative because shutting them down is damaging to our soul.

I’m often tending to a bruised heart from wearing it on my sleeve.  Never the less, I want to continue growing in  this area.  Emotions are the waves that move mountains.  They give birth to inspiration.  They fuel us to stay the course.

Without emotions we cannot extend compassion.  Compassion is the one ingredient that creates an atmosphere where people can thrive.  It’s the difference between store bought bread and fresh from the oven homemade bliss.  Both fill our tummies but the latter puts a smile and the mmmm in your mouth.

Compassion will take you from being a leader who accomplishes amazing activities/events to a leader that multiplies his effectiveness by empowering people to accomplish amazing activities/events.  One settles for using the hands and the other digs in their feet to touch hearts.  A leader with compassion impacts people, creates a safe harbor, energizes, heals, supports, teaches, strengthens…etc.

Compassion is also described as:

• kindness
• tenderness
• condolence
• benevolence
• consideration

Making people the priority takes compassion.  It’s the most effective gift we have been given by God – The Master of Compassion.  Through compassion, He gave His only Son, Jesus.  And being made in His image, we have no reason to excuse ourselves from lacking in it.

Daniel Goleman writes, “Feeling good lubricates mental efficiency, making people better at understanding information”  He found that positive feelings in the work place make employees behave more ethically and function more cooperatively in teams.  The book, “The Power of Nice” states it like this: Research has found that the happier an employee is, the more productive and creative he or she will be.

None of this can happen without compassion.  It is the glue that holds our teams together.  Without it we grow weary…tired…drained…used up.

Thank you to all who have shown me compassion.  I’m such a better person because of it.

 

SHOW a little kindness

There is a big difference between saying you’re sorry and showing your sorry.  Sometimes I have to intervene when the kids accidentally hurt eachother.  Today, Joy tossed a book onto Ben’s bed hitting him in the face by accident.  He was in tears and she was frustrated because she did SAY she was sorry.

Most often though, simply saying your sorry doesn’t mend the brokenness.  I’m concerned that pride blinds us into thinking that a word without action should be enough.  Especially when it’s tossed  out across the room.

It’s not that hard to stop what you’re doing, walk up to the person that’s been hurt, place a hand on their shoulder, look (really look) into their eyes and say “I’m so very sorry.  Will you forgive me?”  …Or is it?

And  it gets even harder on the pride when depending on the offense it would be so much kinder to add to the apology,  “What can I do to make it up to you.”

When we fail to live a life of forgiveness as well as a life of asking for forgiveness we set ourselves up for some very serious disadvantages.  Forgiveness has the power to suffocate the opportunities that offer offense and bitterness.  Forgiveness has the power to keep our hearts soft towards people.  Forgiveness has the power to keep our motives pure.

The next time you toss a book and hit your brother or sister in the head by accident – I challenge you to look past the inconvenience of having to stop what you’re doing and take the time to SHOW some kindness.  You may need the same offered to you sometime.

 

Do you WANT to win?

“You can lose, or, if you want to win, you can change” – Lester Thurlow

Life is full of competition and there is no escaping it.  Only when we resolve ourselves to commit to the adventure will we actually move forward on the road of success.  Too often we push success so far into the future as a goal or ending point that we miss out on  success for today.  There is success in our:  every day, every action, every re-action, every hurdle and every moment that we choose to engage in.

When we choose to WANT to win it always requires change.  Growth requires change.  Success requires change.  Losing is easy.  Giving up is a breeze.  Even fulfilling the life plans of others is easier than taking personal accountability to the destiny God has place before each of us.

Step back and acknowledge the top three priorities in your life today.  Compare them with the goals you’ve set before yourself.   Keep a time log of your days for 2wks to 1mth.  Evaluate and take action.  Do you have a clear view of where you are going and what it will take to get you there?  Have you gotten distracted or tempted by things that bring instant gratification?   Have you allowed other things to fill your days that you never intended to invest so much time, money or energy in?

Take on life or it will overtake you.  Make the changes and win.